pnb

i am so fucking sad

pnb has a special place in my heart

it was - 2019 - summer,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

i was traveling driving with someone i knew for a couple days &&&&& didn''''t have much to do other than listen to music when we were travelling for so long

we didnt have any playlists going------------------------- instead we were exploring albums together,,,,,,,,,, some new,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, some known &&&&&&&&&& some we showed each otherrrrrrrrrrrrrr

they put trapstar turnt popstar on

my only knowledge of pnb was not by name, just a familiar tune i rrrrrretroactively realizzzzzzed was by him """""""se;lfish"""""""""""""""

or so

the album was one of my favorites from the archives of music we listened to;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; something honessssst about the music despite it being fun melodic hip hop on the surface

i listened to it for the next few days on repeat

few days

these few dayss later i losssssssstttt consciousness in a catastrophic incident that id rather not write about

this same incident was were my brain re--------wired of sorts or so i am explained,,,,,,,,,,,, or so you who reads this might recognize a struggle in who i am,,,,,,,,,, xmpathe

the fallout from this incident has been devastating to me and those around me

i am not sure who it has affected more ------- the derailing of one life or the aggregate pain of those around me

anyways, pnb was there for me

fucking trapstar turnt popstar helped

everytime i listened to it ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i felt a vulnerability in the music

some sort of deeper underlying emotion in his voice than the surface level trap/////pop

sometttthing maybe i gravitated towards before the accident and only understood until after,,,,,,,,,,,,, maybe im just in my head about it

i spent a lot of time in external silence &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& and internal noise

i've criiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiied a lot more than iiiii'd like to admit---

i heard a lot of pnb

he helped, me

and then abcd (friend zone) comes on,,,, it makes me smile like a lot of the album does

anyways, i am listening to the album as i write this, so ignore my rambling, sorry, am clearer minded now opposed to several moments ago haha

i guess his music attached itself to the most vulnerable time of my life ,,,,,,,,,,

and still does as i continue to heal  be broken

so it hurts that he is gone now